So, the night before yesterday I had an interesting dream. I was pregnant, and my water broke. “Oh no,” I thought, “the baby will born premature.” I called out to my mother. I was terrified of the pain. Then I realized, “I know my body well, I know how to feel it. I only need to embrace the pain, to invert the repulsion.” And so I did.
I feel like this dream is a good metaphor for my creative process out here. Sometimes I feel plugged, unable to deliver.
On the other hand, I have started drawing in the way that you automatic write. I guess it is a strange story. Perhaps you wont believe me, but that doesn’t really change anything does it.
So almost 2 years ago Kiki and I were playing ouija board. A strange force began to move our homemade pointer in aggressive and highly sexualized ways. Our meeting was cut short as I had to catch the train home. I told the being that it should come home with me as I needed some friends. We had a nice time together.
In the morning on the way to school, I don’t know why, I decided to try automatic writing. It worked! The being began to write all kinds of things, especially about my being a young neive woman. Actually it was a bit much. I thought I had stumbled on some portal to another possibly wiser dimension.
I took the affair to a friend of mine, this guy who is into spirits and forces and things. The automatic writing was very fast, it kept saying similar sorts of things, and that it didn’t like men, poor Raphael. Anyhow, he told me it was an evil spirit.
As time went on I attempted drawing with the force, but it always drew crude things, and I got tired of the illegible mess. I also realized that my mind tainted the process, that actually things I thought manifested in words, and I could easily influence the outcome. I could tell my hand to move to the left. Haha, I know that seems normal, but it doesn’t feel normal. It feels like your hand is being pulled, you just let it happen, you don’t actively do it.
I later came to wonder if the whole thing was just myself. I still ask myself the same question. Since at the time I wanted an external prophesizing force to guide the confusion and uncertainty of my existence, I soon grew tired of the phenomenon and stopped entirely. Now a long time has passed. I attempted drawing one more time, maybe 8 months ago, it was a similar illegable thing.
Two nights ago, since I am terrified of the strange forces living in my cottage, I thought I would try to make communion and call upon the spirits. I tried automatic writing again:
Me : Is anyone there.
Me: Why did the lights go out?
Me: Are there others here?
Me: Is there energy here from before?
Me: Should I be afraid?
Me: What should I do with my life?
Us: You are a young human, you are a young human, you are a young human . . .
This line of questioning continued until we drew an ecstatic happy face:
So I decided to cautiously try serious drawing again, as we wanted to draw very much. Haha, that sounds so creepy.
Actually I am finding the process to be unexpectedly successful and of much higher quality than hoped. In addition it feels incredibly wonderful to do and feel without my thoughts bothering me and my mind questioning too much.
Perhaps what is different from before is that I know this is as much me as anything else, I am able to guide and direct what I want, and it manifests in completely unanticipated ways.
I guess it could be just my body creating, the whole of my being without some of the top heavy brain action.
Maybe I am drawing on the forces of eternal creation.
Are we not all made of this matter anyway?
Are we not all so deeply connected that much of the isolation we claim is an illusion?
I don’t have any particular answers to these questions, but like my dream suggested, if you trust and feel things instead of analyzing all the time, it actually is a lot easier.